Second Best {or Third or Fourth}

I am frustrated....and sad....and upset.

I pretty much now know where I stand with everyone in my life...and it doesn't look good. A lot of my relatives come around this area to visit friends or aunts, and yet, me being in the same town...have not/or maybe have once been to my house. I've been in my house for 7 years...oh, they always call and ask us to come visit...

But, never have I been so hurt as I was a couple weeks ago. My brother (yes, my only brother) came to Toronto, with his girlfriend, to see a concert...they were to be staying with the girlfriend's brother and his girlfriend. He was going to be 2 hours away for 4 days, and nothing was said, asked or planned for us to see each other. Not even a mention on being so close he would love to see his niece (yes, his only neice). I was upset...but as usual, I don't say anything, cause that's what I do...I keep all my feelings quiet so as not to upset people. Well, while he was here, he did contact me and made mention of us getting together...he was really super busy, but could maybe squeeze us in for an hour or two at the beach the next day. Great!! I would love to see my brother again, and K would love to see her uncle. The problem was he contacted me through facebook and didn't leave a #...so i had to respond through facebook...except he didn't check back to see what i had answered until the next day when it was too late for us to leave for toronto...I was soooo upset!! All I could do is cry. Seriously, ask my husband (who probably thinks I'm a nutcase), or ask my mom, who happened to call just after I stopped crying to my husband, and as soon as I heard her voice, I started to cry again. To feel unloved, unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. Thank goodness I didn't mention to my daughter that we were going to see him...and I only did that so i didn't have to hear "are we leaving yet" or "how much longer till we leave to see Unkee R"??

Here's a question: If you only had one sister and one niece and you were going to be 2 hours away, would you not take a day out of the four days to go spend the day with them?? I would think so, but, I didn't even expect that from them...we had cancelled our plans once we got the invitation from my brother, so that we could drive 2 hours to spend an hour or 2 with him and his girlfriend (along with her brother and girlfriend), and then drive 2 hours back. Shit, when i went home for a visit in may, if my brother couldn't make it home for a visit, i was going to drive (with my VERY talkative 4-year-old) 6 hours + a boat ride to visit with him. I would never think of being that close and not visiting with my only brother.

He and I were not always close, and still aren't the closest, but over the last few years, I feel that we have become closer. I feel like we can have a good time together. But I guess this goes to show, it was one-sided.

I get why they would want to spend most of their time with the girlfriends brother and his girlfriend. The are carefree, no responsibilities. Just like my brother and his girlfriend. But, one day?? a couple hours?? Why am I/are we just not good enough?? Last year, they were in ontario (mostly toronto) for a couple weeks...we got one day...and we appreciated it...but why out of 2 weeks or more do the girlfriends brother get 13 days and we get 1?? I know they did some travelling...but why couldn't they invite us? Why couldn't M and I have met them at wonderland?? or the 3 of us met them in niagara falls?? I just don't understand, and it hurts. Ok, yeah I don't/ can't go bar hoppin' all hours of the night, I am a mom first and fore-most...but I can be fun too!! How would you feel in the same situation?

The thing is, it has always been this way. We all went home one year for Christmas (K was 7 months old), and the girlfriends brother was home too. My brother would come spend time with us (and don't get me wrong, he does spend time with us when we are home), but then would leave after K would go to bed to go watch a movie with his girlfriend and her brother...could i not have gotten an invitation to watch a movie?? I know how to watch a movie!! Another time, they all (brother/girlfriend/girlfriend's brother/brother's girlfriend) went for a hike at gros morne...so my brother dropped over for a visit the night before cause they were going hiking the next day and would therefore not see us. When I am at home, thats the one time I always have a babysitter...I would have loved to hike gros morne. I will admit that i am a smoker and they are not...I will admit they are all in great shape, and I am not...but even if it had killed me, I would have kept up with them, and I would have loved it. How would you feel??

Now, I don't want to sound childish with these little incidents. But these are a few of the incidents that I've felt like I have been slapped in the face.

Anyways, all this happened about 3 weeks ago. I didn't know what I was going to do...all I gotta say is thank goodness he didn't call that night!!! What do you do?? He is the type of person that if you say something he doesn't want to hear, he shuts down. So, do i say what i want to say, he shut down and not talk to me anymore, or do i leave it (as i usually do) and just privately stew?? If i say something, and he does stop talking to me, that is my mom's biggest fear for us to be on the outs...but do i keep my mouth shut, and just keep being angry?? Hardest decision. I don't want to do anything to hurt my mom, but...

Anyways, he called tonight...and I do have to admit, when i saw the number on the phone, I contemplated not answering. But, I did answer and there was a bit of small talk and then an i'm sorry...which i appreciate that he took the effort to say, albeit 3 weeks later...and my response...I had to say something, but I tried really hard not to say it angrily. I explained how hurt I was, for me, but mostly for my 4 year old daughter who adores him, and doesn't understand now, but in a few years will understand that her uncle is 2 hours aways and is too "busy" to see her. She won't understand why...just as I can't. He didn't really want to hear it, he shut down and really didn't say too much, so for my mom, I left it at that, I didn't say everything that I wanted, and said we will drop it. And, then went on to say a few things else to try to have a little bit of normal conversation, talking about signing K up in dance and swim lessons, talking about how K is going to be starting school in 3 weeks...not really any response from him....went on to talk about how brave she was in trying to ride a bike with no training wheels, about her getting her ears checked soon to see if her tubes are out...finally he says something, "So how is K liking school so far"?? Seriously??? Why did you even call?? i just finished saying she was starting school in 3 weeks...its still august...

I don't know where this will leave us....

As I write this at the wee hour of 5 a.m. cause I cannot sleep because I am still frustrated, still sad, still upset... I still shed tears as I think about it.

He is my only brother...and I do love him...but do i keep settling for second best?? do I let my daughter grow up always feeling like second best?? Will I enjoy their visit if they do decide to make more effort next time?? or will it just feel like they are only here because I kicked up a fuss? I guess only time will tell...And I hope it works out....but I just knew, that even for my mom, I could not completely keep my mouth shut.....again....

{New} Life

There is nothing in the world like the feeling of holding a brand new baby....feeling their delicate skin, inhaling their smell and admiring their beauty...



A good friend of mine had a new baby on March 21, 2010...the above pic is of me with new baby Breanne @ 24 hours old...

I also had the pleasure of taking some pics of the little lady @ 4 days old. I LOVE taking pics....I love playing around with them too...but don't always find a lot of time for it. But, with some simple editing, here are a few of my favorites...



Maybe I should have another one ..... nah!!! I'll just enjoy other people's babies.

"Your Daughter’s Mother and Your Mother’s Daughter”

I read this somewhere today and loved it...I don't remember where I read it...but it is written so truthfully...

We come thru them. We bond. We attach. We connect. In our rocky adolescence we fight against their old-fashioned and outdated beliefs. We differentiate and separate. We resent them for who they are..and always love them for being exactly that. We dream of becoming just like them..and fear that that’s exactly who we’ve become. Once we were daughters only. Now we are mothers to those daughters we once were.

As our mothers’ daughters we were raised to be seen and not heard. As our daughters’ mothers we are – perhaps – to be heard, but rarely to be seen. Not with them in their lives. Not in public for certain. After a lifetime of being the drivers of their cars, we find ourselves relegated to the back seat. We learn to speak only when spoken to, and offer our sage advice only when asked. We learn to tread softly, to wear beige, to blend into the backgrounds of our daughters’ days.

We find ourselves, surprisingly and unexpectedly, slipping and sliding into our mother’s well-worn shoes. We begin to see and understand from the other side.

Perfecting/Playing with Pics

“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one.

Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own.

It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.”

-Paula Coelho

I've been sitting here tonight semi-watching olympics/cartoons (yes, K is still up and wanting to watch a show or two of hers--although she did enjoy some of the figure-skating), listening to K talk/play with her toys, and watching hubby chat online/play games at the other end of the couch. And though it is all normal activity, as I sit here, I think how lucky I really am. And as I am thinking how lucky I am, and listening the the regular noise that is...I also have been playing with/editing some pics. I actually haven't had my camera out as much as usual for the last little while...winter blues, perhaps?? Probably not, as I LOVE winter!! I'm not sure why, but i do have a few fav pics to share that have been taken lately. K is just the cutest and as many pics I have of her, I just can't resist taking more. And the town I live in...although I've been living here for almost 10 years now, I still love the absolute beauty of it!!

Isn't K a beauty??

A Girl in her Wedding Dress

We are in the process of clearing out our spare room to renovate into a new "big girl" room for K. We are finding lots of treasures that just got poked in the closets in there over the last 7 years. As K and I were working on it one day we came across a bag that had my Grade 12 graduation dress in it, along with my flower girl dress I wore at my Aunt's wedding when I was 5 or 6. Of course, K being K, HAD to put it on right away. She wore that dress all day...and just kept saying over and over again that she was in her wedding dress...and was so proud to wear a dress that was her momma's dress when she was little. It was the cutest thing...although the dress is a little too big for her yet...

My Little Ballerina

Dance is the hidden language of the soul. --*Martha Graham*




I recently had K pics taken in her little dance tutu....and they turned out adorable!! I am so impressed with this photographer...although she took a lot of close-up pics that you couldn't actually see the tutu. But honestly, even the close-ups were awesome...just had to share some of these pics.

Our Newest Addition...

A little girl in love...




We got turned onto Waldorf dolls from a friend of mine. And while I am not a person who necessarily will go for the "all natural" product...it doesn't hurt. They are very cute...and K really seems to prefer the "softer" dolls much more than the hard plastic dolls.


The only problem with these dolls is that they are flippin' expensive!! It just so happened that the friend that turned me on to these dolls has a very talented sister-in-law who had decided to try to make a few of these dolls. The first five people to let her know got a doll made for free...you just had to buy the materials. I was so in!! And, so, the first doll was underway...a little cutie with blond hair and blue eyes just like K.


Not too long after the first doll was underway, I saw a notification on the side of my facebook that my friend had commented on a pic in a group called "Bamboletta". In checking out the group, I somehow got on her website and entered my name into a drawing for a Waldorf doll by the home-operated company. And to my great surprise, I won!! The doll I won, I let K get her in the mail and bring her home and open her who became named Emmy. The one that was being made (what an awesome woman for doing that, as these dolls sell for over $100 each...usually around $130-160), K opened Christmas morning from Santa Claus. She later became known as Annaleise.


Now, I was looking around on Etsy a few weeks ago, K laying on my side, late at night. I thought she was sleeping...but found out she wasn't as I opened a window with the cutest little doll with dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes...K fell in love. I wouldn't spend the money for her. But, K kept asking and kept saying how much she loved her, and how much her "girls" needed a new friend. In thinking about it, K had a bunch of money in her banks plus some she had gotten for Christmas. So, I explained to her, if she really wanted to have that doll, she had to buy it with her own money...if she had enough. Well, it turned out she did have enough money and was more than happy to pay for her own doll.


She was sooo proud that she paid for it herself. Then was the hard part....waiting for it to come in the mail. Well, yesterday, she arrived!! The newest family member. And, after much deliberation on K's part, she became "Melody" cause she has a red dress (just like Melody on her movie). lol....the reasoning of a 3 year old!! Anyways, K is just in her glory with the new arrival...She is actually asleep upstairs snuggling all three right now (although she is showing a little more preference for Melody right now over the other two).

Here is a pic of K watching tv with her girls!!