Second Best {or Third or Fourth}

I am frustrated....and sad....and upset.

I pretty much now know where I stand with everyone in my life...and it doesn't look good. A lot of my relatives come around this area to visit friends or aunts, and yet, me being in the same town...have not/or maybe have once been to my house. I've been in my house for 7 years...oh, they always call and ask us to come visit...

But, never have I been so hurt as I was a couple weeks ago. My brother (yes, my only brother) came to Toronto, with his girlfriend, to see a concert...they were to be staying with the girlfriend's brother and his girlfriend. He was going to be 2 hours away for 4 days, and nothing was said, asked or planned for us to see each other. Not even a mention on being so close he would love to see his niece (yes, his only neice). I was upset...but as usual, I don't say anything, cause that's what I do...I keep all my feelings quiet so as not to upset people. Well, while he was here, he did contact me and made mention of us getting together...he was really super busy, but could maybe squeeze us in for an hour or two at the beach the next day. Great!! I would love to see my brother again, and K would love to see her uncle. The problem was he contacted me through facebook and didn't leave a #...so i had to respond through facebook...except he didn't check back to see what i had answered until the next day when it was too late for us to leave for toronto...I was soooo upset!! All I could do is cry. Seriously, ask my husband (who probably thinks I'm a nutcase), or ask my mom, who happened to call just after I stopped crying to my husband, and as soon as I heard her voice, I started to cry again. To feel unloved, unwanted is the worst feeling in the world. Thank goodness I didn't mention to my daughter that we were going to see him...and I only did that so i didn't have to hear "are we leaving yet" or "how much longer till we leave to see Unkee R"??

Here's a question: If you only had one sister and one niece and you were going to be 2 hours away, would you not take a day out of the four days to go spend the day with them?? I would think so, but, I didn't even expect that from them...we had cancelled our plans once we got the invitation from my brother, so that we could drive 2 hours to spend an hour or 2 with him and his girlfriend (along with her brother and girlfriend), and then drive 2 hours back. Shit, when i went home for a visit in may, if my brother couldn't make it home for a visit, i was going to drive (with my VERY talkative 4-year-old) 6 hours + a boat ride to visit with him. I would never think of being that close and not visiting with my only brother.

He and I were not always close, and still aren't the closest, but over the last few years, I feel that we have become closer. I feel like we can have a good time together. But I guess this goes to show, it was one-sided.

I get why they would want to spend most of their time with the girlfriends brother and his girlfriend. The are carefree, no responsibilities. Just like my brother and his girlfriend. But, one day?? a couple hours?? Why am I/are we just not good enough?? Last year, they were in ontario (mostly toronto) for a couple weeks...we got one day...and we appreciated it...but why out of 2 weeks or more do the girlfriends brother get 13 days and we get 1?? I know they did some travelling...but why couldn't they invite us? Why couldn't M and I have met them at wonderland?? or the 3 of us met them in niagara falls?? I just don't understand, and it hurts. Ok, yeah I don't/ can't go bar hoppin' all hours of the night, I am a mom first and fore-most...but I can be fun too!! How would you feel in the same situation?

The thing is, it has always been this way. We all went home one year for Christmas (K was 7 months old), and the girlfriends brother was home too. My brother would come spend time with us (and don't get me wrong, he does spend time with us when we are home), but then would leave after K would go to bed to go watch a movie with his girlfriend and her brother...could i not have gotten an invitation to watch a movie?? I know how to watch a movie!! Another time, they all (brother/girlfriend/girlfriend's brother/brother's girlfriend) went for a hike at gros morne...so my brother dropped over for a visit the night before cause they were going hiking the next day and would therefore not see us. When I am at home, thats the one time I always have a babysitter...I would have loved to hike gros morne. I will admit that i am a smoker and they are not...I will admit they are all in great shape, and I am not...but even if it had killed me, I would have kept up with them, and I would have loved it. How would you feel??

Now, I don't want to sound childish with these little incidents. But these are a few of the incidents that I've felt like I have been slapped in the face.

Anyways, all this happened about 3 weeks ago. I didn't know what I was going to do...all I gotta say is thank goodness he didn't call that night!!! What do you do?? He is the type of person that if you say something he doesn't want to hear, he shuts down. So, do i say what i want to say, he shut down and not talk to me anymore, or do i leave it (as i usually do) and just privately stew?? If i say something, and he does stop talking to me, that is my mom's biggest fear for us to be on the outs...but do i keep my mouth shut, and just keep being angry?? Hardest decision. I don't want to do anything to hurt my mom, but...

Anyways, he called tonight...and I do have to admit, when i saw the number on the phone, I contemplated not answering. But, I did answer and there was a bit of small talk and then an i'm sorry...which i appreciate that he took the effort to say, albeit 3 weeks later...and my response...I had to say something, but I tried really hard not to say it angrily. I explained how hurt I was, for me, but mostly for my 4 year old daughter who adores him, and doesn't understand now, but in a few years will understand that her uncle is 2 hours aways and is too "busy" to see her. She won't understand why...just as I can't. He didn't really want to hear it, he shut down and really didn't say too much, so for my mom, I left it at that, I didn't say everything that I wanted, and said we will drop it. And, then went on to say a few things else to try to have a little bit of normal conversation, talking about signing K up in dance and swim lessons, talking about how K is going to be starting school in 3 weeks...not really any response from him....went on to talk about how brave she was in trying to ride a bike with no training wheels, about her getting her ears checked soon to see if her tubes are out...finally he says something, "So how is K liking school so far"?? Seriously??? Why did you even call?? i just finished saying she was starting school in 3 weeks...its still august...

I don't know where this will leave us....

As I write this at the wee hour of 5 a.m. cause I cannot sleep because I am still frustrated, still sad, still upset... I still shed tears as I think about it.

He is my only brother...and I do love him...but do i keep settling for second best?? do I let my daughter grow up always feeling like second best?? Will I enjoy their visit if they do decide to make more effort next time?? or will it just feel like they are only here because I kicked up a fuss? I guess only time will tell...And I hope it works out....but I just knew, that even for my mom, I could not completely keep my mouth shut.....again....